October 27, 2012 by Dwight Bernier
I have issues with being rejected. I don’t like it. I don’t know many people that do. But I didn’t know how deep it went (and I still don’t) until praying today just before starting final sermon preparations for tomorrow.
I’d been just kind of marching through life the past couple of days, not really thinking too much about what was going on in my heart. Jess and I have two small kids at home who are learning how to share a room during the night – which has resulted in less sleep for both of us. Often times, when I am not sleeping as much, I know that I can think irrationally about certain things, so I try not to make any big decisions when I’m not sleeping well. Anyways, I hadn’t gotten sweet times of prayer, but more of the reactionary prayers were moving such as “Lord, help me not be really angry at my son for waking his brother up at 4:45am this morning by turning on the light”.
So, as I got to the office to start the sermon prep, I started praying. I prayed on my knees today, which isn’t typical, but I sensed that was the posture of prayer that I should take. As I started asking the Spirit what was happening in my heart, I heard the word “Accepted”. Even as I write this, I sit on the brink of weeping again. The Spirit spoke this so clearly. I’ve found myself being unable to rest well the past however long, and He gave me the answer in a positive form. I realized, with the help of the Spirit, that I live in such a way so that I am rejected as little as possible. This affects everything in life. I would make a list – but it affects everything. I started thinking about how long this has been a problem, and I started to see all kinds of dots in my past, leading back to certain things during childhood. I’m not psycho-analyzing myself by any means, but I just saw a real pattern. This is highly problematic for me. This could drive me to work harder to show myself or someone else that I am not afraid of rejection. But that wouldn’t last for long. Eventually, I would be tired of being rejected and sit silently so as not to have to be rejected any longer.
But rather than allowing me to harbor in that, the Spirit spoke “Accepted”. How freeing is that? I could weep at the mercy that has been found in Christ. He came after people like me, who don’t have it all together! I am accepted before the Father, not because of my incredible standing, but because of Christ’s acceptance! I am accepted. What joy that brings to my soul. Literally, my entire day changed in one word from the Spirit.
I stood in my office, with hands raised in surrender and as a child. In surrender, because I don’t want to live for my glory or my false understanding of what it means to be accepted. As a child, because I needed my Dad to love on me and remind me of His acceptance. The first song that came out of my mouth in praise was “you are good, when there’s nothing good in me; you are true, you are true, on display for all to see; you are here, you are here, in your presence I’m made whole; you are God, you are God, of all else I’m letting go”.
That is how God changed my heart with a word today from His Spirit. Deeply thankful and joy is moving.